The author’s favourite site is the Teacher of Teachers
What can I use to make a “redneck Colonoscopy kit” for a 50th birthday party? Thinking along the lines of some sort of tube or hose, a disposable camera, gloves…. Anything else? Like a syringe or funnel or what? ]]>
BIRTHDAY JOKES & CHILDREN HUMOR –HILARIOUSLY FUNNY CHILD SATIRE, BABY, TODDLERS HUMOUR
It’s quite amazing how humorous a child can be, what satirical even comical situation can arise with kids, in these hilariously funny birthday and children, baby and toddler jokes…
When the little girl returned from her friend’s birthday party, her mother asked if she had thanked the hostess of the party before leaving. “No.” said the little girl, “The person before me did, and my friend’s mother said ‘Don’t mention it’ -so, I didn’t…”
“So, what are we then -boy or girl?” asked one of the baby twins, and “I know how to find out,” said the other and disappeared under the sheets, then reappeared, and declared “I am a boy, and you are a girl.” “O-oh, how clever you are!” exclaimed the girl baby, “How could you tell!?” and boy baby proudly explained, “Oh, it was easy to tell -I am wearing blue booties, and you are wearing pink ones…”
An elderly man asked a young boy if he could see him across the road. The boy crossed the road, stood on the pavement, turned to him and shouted: “Yes.. I can…”
The little girl tossed some pieces of bread to a bird at the zoo, and when the bird looked to her for more, she asked her mother what bird it was. Told that it was a stork, the little girl was so excited: “O-oh.. it must have recognised me!..”
The little boy, came in running and excitedly announced that he had sold the cat for £10,000. “O-o-h…” asked his father, “They paid by cheque?” “No..” replied the boy, ” I got two £5,000 kittens for it…”
“Did you put an ad. in the local paper, about your missing dog..?” asked a boy’s friend. “Don’t be silly..” he said, “My dog can’t read…”
The little girl, before going to bed, said her prayers: “… God, please make bad people good.” She then added: “And good people nice…”
“Yup!” boasted the young boy to her friends: “I jumped on a young girl the other day, lay her down on the ground, pulled up her skirt, tore her stockings off, grabbed hold of her panties.. and tore the elastic out for my catapult!”
“Uncle won’t be arriving today,” announced mum, after she was telephoned the news, “He’s missed the train today and will start at the same time, tomorrow”. “Oh, dear!” remarked the little girl, “He’s going to miss it again then, isn’t he, if he starts at the same time…!?”
An anecdote, about his in childhood rather plump eldest son, of teacher and thinker the late Orhan Seyfi Ari: “Other children grow vertically, mine horizontally!”
“How did you get that black eye!?” exclaimed the little boy’s mother. “You told me good boys don’t fight,” he said, “but one fought back!..”
“You ask so many questions -I can’t know the answers to all of them” exclaimed, rather tired, a parent, “Do you know what might have happened if I had asked my parents as many questions as you do!?” The child thought, then replied “You might’ve known the answers..?”
“Thank you, auntie,” said the little girl as she opened her birthday present, “I always wanted a nice pin cushion.. but not very much…”
Jeff Foxworthy is one of the funniest comedians of our time. His humorous “you might be a redneck” jokes and his hilarious Redneck Dictionary have brought laughter to the lives of millions. What better way to celebrate this comic genius’s birthday than with some good-old Jeff Foxworthy quotes?
1. “If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.”
2. “Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother — you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.”
3. “Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been givin’ me lately.”
4. “Between New York and LA, there’s 200 million people that aren’t hip, and they don’t want to be hip.”
5. “For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.”
6. “My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.”
7. “The designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.”
8. “This book is just a collection of my drawings. I never really showed them to anybody but my wife, and she always laughed at them.”
9. “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.”
And of course, we can’t do Jeff Foxworthy quotes without some “you might be a redneck jokes” now can we?
10. “You may be a redneck if — you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.”
11. “You might be a redneck if — your home has more miles on it than your car.”
12. “You might be a redneck if — your family tree doesn’t fork.”
13. “You might be a redneck if — Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.”
14. “You might be a redneck if — you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.”
15. “You might be a redneck if — you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.”
16. “You might be a redneck if — your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.”
17. “You might be a redneck if — you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.”
18. “You might be a redneck if — you’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.”
19. “You might be a redneck if — the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)”
20. “You might be a redneck if — your child’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”
There’s no doubt about it, Jeff Foxworthy is a riot. Anyone who’s lucky enough to have seen him live knows that it’s not just the words he says, but the charisma that defines him. These Jeff Foxworthy quotes are just a sampling of the humor that has made this man so famous and adored.
For more funny quotes, check out the popular funny quotes section of Famous-Quotes-And-Quotations.com, a website that specializes in ‘Top 10′ lists of quotations in dozens of categories.
any ideas? it will be in march, and here in missouri i might be a little chilly. but my dad is gonna fry fish by the pond we have by the gazibo, we are gonna put tables and chairs and my stereo in the back yard, we’re gonna have a bonfire. its gonna start at 3 and end at midnight and some of my friends are gonna stay the night. any redneck ideas of things we can do? ]]>
Image taken on 2008-05-25 12:41:41 by Mr. Usaji. ]]>
1. “If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.”
2. “Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother — you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.”
3. “Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been givin’ me lately.”
4. “Between New York and LA, there’s 200 million people that aren’t hip, and they don’t want to be hip.”
5. “For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.”
6. “My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.”
7. “The designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.”
8. “This book is just a collection of my drawings. I never really showed them to anybody but my wife, and she always laughed at them.”
9. “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.”
And of course, we can’t do Jeff Foxworthy quotes without some “you might be a redneck jokes” now can we?
10. “You may be a redneck if — you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.”
11. “You might be a redneck if — your home has more miles on it than your car.”
12. “You might be a redneck if — your family tree doesn’t fork.”
13. “You might be a redneck if — Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.”
14. “You might be a redneck if — you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.”
15. “You might be a redneck if — you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.”
16. “You might be a redneck if — your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.”
17. “You might be a redneck if — you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.”
18. “You might be a redneck if — you’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.”
19. “You might be a redneck if — the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)”
20. “You might be a redneck if — your child’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”
There’s no doubt about it, Jeff Foxworthy is a riot. Anyone who’s lucky enough to have seen him live knows that it’s not just the words he says, but the charisma that defines him. These Jeff Foxworthy quotes are just a sampling of the humor that has made this man so famous and adored.
For more funny quotes, check out the popular funny quotes section of Famous-Quotes-And-Quotations.com, a website that specializes in ‘Top 10′ lists of quotations in dozens of categories.