Redneck Dad » Funny

Funny 911 Calls

Sat, 14 May 2011 00:49:07 +0000

Funny 911 calls

Happy Canada Day & July 4th – FUNNY!

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 00:47:59 +0000

Four guys talk about their ‘BiG Decks” hehe

Funny golf jokes from Enjoymygolf.com (5)

Fri, 07 Jan 2011 20:47:18 +0000

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Home Page > Sports and Fitness > Golf > Funny golf jokes from Enjoymygolf.com (5)

Funny golf jokes from Enjoymygolf.com (5)

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Posted: Dec 29, 2010 |Comments: 0
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Backspin

An amateur was talking to his golf pro.
Amateur: “How do you get so much backspin?”
Pro: “Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a Mizuno JPX 800 Irons ?”
Amateur: “About 130.”
Pro: “Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back !?”

The pro and the JP

The Justice of the Peace in a small town was about to tee off with two other friends one day when the club pro volunteered to join them. It seemed like the perfect opportunity for a free lesson.

But instead of being helpful the pro was openly critical of the JP’s Mizuno JPX 800 Irons . At every bumbled shot, the pro made a joke about the justice.

But the criticism didn’t even stop at the end of the round. The pro continued to embarrass the JP in the clubhouse among his friends. Finally the pro got up to leave and said, “Judge, let’s do it again sometime. If you can’t find anybody else to make a foursome, I’ll be glad to play Mizuno JPX 800 Irons with you again.”

“Well that would be fine,” the justice of the peace said. “How about next Saturday? I don’t think any of my friends can join us, so why don’t you just have your parents join us, and after our round I can marry them.”

A serious looking iron with ‘Balanced Performance’ the JPX800 is Mizuno’s first to utilize its JPX exotic technology platform. ‘Balanced Performance’ is the result of a project to create an iron with strengths in a number of key criteria (feel, control, forgiveness, distance, profile) without one compromising another. The JPX800 delivers the magical combination of being Mizuno’s most forgiving and longest iron of all time. The JPX800’s look from address and solid feel at impact will have single figure players questioning their choice of iron. The visible distance gains of the JPX800 irons are achieved by combining Mizuno’s Hot Metal approach – incorporating a new manufacturing process for a thinner, more uniform iron face. This Hot Metal process allows the JPX800 to hit the maximum allowable limits for energy transfer, far exceeding previous Mizuno irons. An exotic pocket cavity, with multiple thickness levels and an external power bar add the highest measurable levels of forgiveness (MOI) achieved in a Mizuno iron to date. The JPX800 achieves all this within a mid-size head which presents itself even more compactly and versatile thanks to a triple cut sole design. A progressive flow to shapely shorter irons, complete the JPX800′s ‘Balanced’ orientation.

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What Do You Do When Your Jokes Are NOT Funny?

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 21:09:35 +0000

What Do You Do When Your Jokes Are NOT Funny…

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Home Page > Self Improvement > Public Speaking > What Do You Do When Your Jokes Are NOT Funny…

What Do You Do When Your Jokes Are NOT Funny…

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What Do You Do When Your Jokes Are NOT Funny…

By: Eric Feng

About the Author

Eric Feng is the go-to guy if you want to learn how to impress your customers, employers and investors through public speaking. Eric has successfully helped over 3000 people to become confident and compelling speakers. To watch FREE videos on how you can unleash the speaker in you and charm your audience in 8 simple steps, go to: www.TakingTheStageNow.com

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Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ – What Do You Do When Your Jokes Are NOT Funny…

Have you experienced the weird atmosphere which comes after a funny story you’ve cracked fell flat on the target audience?

Or, do you have the belief that you are, simply, not funny at all?

Even the most confident speakers may falter when it comes to the skill of injecting humour adequately in their speeches. Not to worry, though, as this entry aims to offer several tips which, I hope, will guide you in adding just the right dosage of humour in the right moment so as to make your stories or punchlines work.

As the cliché saying goes, laughter is the best medicine and people today are drawn towards humour like bees to honey simply because cynicism has been ingrained in today’s culture. Thus the value-add of humour in public speaking. While, this may be the case, a lot of people out there find themselves lacking the skill sets to pull off punch lines effectively and effortlessly.

Though humour is commonly believed to be an elusive art to master, I think otherwise.

How can I avoid a humour debacle?

The great comic Jim Mendrinos once shared, “In order to be funny, you got to first know what makes you laugh as this will give you obvious clues to what makes other people laugh.” This means that you have to know what form of humour works for you, and what does not!

Different people find different things funny and these are all common elements in your everyday life, be it in everyday conversations, quotes, books etc. Humour is ubiquitous in life!

There are many forms of humour, ranging from normal banter to exaggeration techniques. Hence, make an effort to build a humour bank! It will be great to start off by observing yourself and the people around you. Jot down the comical instances which occur – there has to be noteworthy ones each day! You will never know when these instances will come in handy as ammunition for your speeches.

On the day of your speech, get to know the audience! As Scott Friedman of Advanced Public Speaking Institute suggests, “the more you know about the audience, the more opportunities you will have to play with them”. Understand the dynamics of the audience, as this will make it easier for you to relate to them through your language, tone and the framework of your speech. As mentioned above, different people find different things funny. So, knowing your audience allows you to cater your humour to the intended group in mind properly – chances are that knock-knock jokes are unlikely to work for adults as opposed to primary school children!

Also, be sure to know the intention of the speech and what you intend for the audience to get out of listening to you. Time is a precious commodity these days, and implanting suggestive and timely, yet relevant humour, will be a very effective way to make your speech more memorable without having to drone on and on with examples. Establish and manoeuvre your speech around this purpose, bearing in mind what works for you, as well as the target audience, in creating your stories or punch lines.

There are also potholes to avoid, so do not step into them! The following is a compilation of some “Don’t”s , adapted from the Rostrum publication “Tips on Public Speaking and Meeting Procedures Vol 1”:

1. Don’t use recycled jokes and stories, the faux pas of public speaking. As you have probably experienced this yourself while listening to speeches before, hearing familiar stories countless times before are bound to elicit groans instead of laughs.

2. Don’t laugh at your own jokes while reciting it — self-control is important! The best way to pull off a punch line is always with a straight face. This will catch the audience off guard and intensify the humorous effect.

3. Don’t give the audience too little time to savour your punch line. Let them digest and laugh before you move on! This will allow the audience to catch the subsequent stories after that.

4. Don’t ever explain your jokes or punch lines! If the audience fail to get the joke, move on. Explaining the joke will not help matters, especially when the funny moment did not, have not, and will not come. To lighten the tense mood at this instant, though, some self-effacing humour may work.

Why do people laugh?

To help find the key in instilling humour in your speech, let us take a look behind the scenes at what makes people laugh. Max Eastman, author of The Enjoyment of Laughter presents the four laws of humour related to being “in fun”.

The first law is that things will only be funny when we are “in fun”. You must however still observe that beneath our humour may lurk serious thoughts or motives, but even in that state you may still perceive things as funny. This is the “half in fun” state. As the speaker, knowing the audience well enough will assist in breaking the ice and getting them to be “in fun”.

The second law is that when we are “in fun”, a shift of values takes place so that pleasant things will remain pleasant, while negative things will also acquire a positive emotional flavour and in turn provoke laughter. This is so long that they are not so disagreeable that they end up “spoiling the fun”. A positive example is in the form of self-effacing humour, where you laugh at yourself for something negative, thereby inciting laughter in others.

The third law is that being “in fun” is a condition most natural to childhood, and that children at play reveal the humorous laugh at its rawest. You may notice that, to kids, every action which may be shocking or even disturbing, is enjoyable as ‘funny’ unless it is disastrous enough to force them out of the mood of “fun” (in which tears will supersede)

The fourth law is that grown-up people retain varying degrees of this aptitude of being “in fun” and thus enjoy unpleasant things as funny, to varying degrees. Therefore, the main challenge for you as the speaker is to reach out to the entire audience present, even the detractors within a crowd who have lower degrees of aptitude for being “in fun”.

With all that being said, try it out! You will never know what works for you unless you do so. BE FUNNY and have your audience rolling off their seats!

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public speaking, presentations, speech, eric feng

Jokes and Funny Videos for French Canadian Teens

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 20:49:57 +0000

Are you looking for new and fun ways of spending your free time? You already know that the Internet is a great source of entertainment and a second world, probably even more powerful than the real one, for many teenagers all over the world. In addition to turning the world into a small village and allowing everyone to get together, irrespective of time and location, the Internet is home to virtually endless means of entertainment. This article addresses teenagers in general and the teenager French community in Canada in particular, as we are going to discuss something that is of interest to them more than to anyone else. I am talking about jokes, funny videos, absurd humor, buffoonery or French comedy (farces, blagues, gags d’humour, humour absurd, bouffonnerie) that target your particular age. Of course, everyone likes a good joke or a funny video. After all, the saying “laughter is the best medicine” wouldn’t go around as much if it weren’t true. However, different age groups appreciate different kinds of humor. The kind of jokes and comedy (farces et comédie) that teenagers find most humorous may seem kind of dull to adults and the other way around. When it comes to French humor, no one can understand it better than the French themselves or people of other nationalities who have been in contact with the French way of living and their culture. If you ask someone outside these categories about French humor, they will most likely say that it’s over their head or at least a bit curious. But I think it’s safe to say that this goes for every country in the world and their humor and comedy. An outsider will never fully comprehend the specific hints and allusions behind a joke and thus won’t be able to enjoy it the way someone familiar with that particular humor will. This is the reason why the contents of this article target French teenagers in Canada particularly. The Internet is home to many sources of comedy and absurd humor (comédie et humour absurde) that only they would enjoy the most. When you’re with your friends, in the real world or the virtual one, there is no better way of being in the spotlight than by being funny and telling good jokes. Of course, not everyone wants to be the center of attention, but it sure feels good to be able to make the others laugh. Not all of us are natural born comedians, but that can be improved. With a few good jokes and sallies (blagues et boutades) that you can find online, you will certainly get your friendly laughing and enjoying your company, whether you get together online or in the real world. Having an insight on French comedy and the kind of jokes that French teens like will also help if you’re planning on spending some time in with them, for instance in a summer camp or as part of a school exchange program. The bottom line is that teens have many places to go to online when they want to find jokes, funny videos or absurd humor (farces, gags d’humour ou humour absurde). It’s always a matter of personal taste when it comes to humor, but there are websites where all the teen French living in Canada will find jokes and funny videos that they will absolutely love.

For more resources about farces or about blagues or even about gags d’humour, please review these links.

19 Funniest April`s Fools2009 Day Pranks Tricks & Practical Jokes That Your Victim Will Find Funny

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 20:52:49 +0000

April fool’s day is nearing fast so be on your guard. Let it down come April 1st and you will be sorry. How many of you have prepared yourself and said you wouldn’t over the past years be caught out, but have. Yet once again you the idiot fall victim again to another’s prank. Keep that guard up at all times because some pranks are darned right cruel and embarrassing. Make this April fool’s day, “your” day where you turn prankster. While you busy yourself thinking of jokes and tricks to play on others you lessen the odds of you being caught out. This is because you have the event and what it’s all about on your mind making it hard for you to forget, and forgetfulness is the primary reason why so many folk fall brunt to everyone else`s tricks and practical jokes.

What makes April 1st so special? Well it`s a time when you get away with playing tricks/pranks on people without fear of any come back, however this will depend on what type of prank you play and the sort of person you play it on, so be careful.

If you can keep a straight face while all about you are losing theirs then you will succeed in pulling your prank or trick off. Giggling and laughter and doing unusual things to the buildup will alert your victim.

I feel a bit of a baddie in saying this but one prank I believe to be the best of all is putting all the clocks in the house an hour forward so that your victim gets to work early or other. Have your running shoes on ready for their return because sometimes this may not be seen as funny and especially more so if that person likes their sleepy eye, or worse still if it is a woman in need of her beauty sleep.

Wet your hands then walk up behind your victim and go ACHOO and flick the water on them.

Park your victim’s car late at night in another parking place. They will think it is stolen. Make sure you are insured to do this.

This prank is old hat but works every time. Put a small hole in a 5 pound note and tie a long strand of invisible string through it (or fishing wire/string). Next, put the money on the ground and hide holding the other end of the string ready to tug when your victim tries to pick it up.

Put water in a bucket and place it against your neighbor’s door; ensure you keep it leaning against the door now knock and run. Be careful with this prank.

Smear the handle of a refrigerator or the lower portion of the doorknob with butter. They fall for it all the time

Sprinkle talcum powered in the hair drier or into the hairbrush

Tie string to a plastic frog or rubber snake and make it jump on the victim suddenly.

It is a good idea to have a partner in crime if it includes prank phone calls being made as it is a great possibility they will know it is you on the other end of the telephone. Ask a partner to give a ring to the victim’s telephone and engage him in an interesting conversation while you dangle a creepy crawly at their side facing them and watch their response.

Other prank ideas to get a laugh

The pen that once the cap is removed gives a slight electric shock

Fake rubber or unpleasant-tasting sweets

Fill an empty perfume bottle with garlic juice

Tomato ketchup will act as blood if you need it for a prank. Pranks that involve pretence of a wound or deep cut can seriously frighten your victim. Only do something like this if you are certain they won`t have a heart attack.

The fake car scratch trick is hilarious when your victim sees their pride and joy damaged

Place a transparent plastic sheet on the best carpet and spill ink or blackcurrant juice on it

Fill the toothpaste tube with cake cream but not with anything that can harm your victim

Don`t rush your victim to participate because they will smell a rat. First thing in the morning is the best time to play your pranks on someone because they are still half asleep so as to speak making them more vulnerable. It is also a sensitive time also for upsetting them. It’s a catch 22 situation. You decide. Remember that even pranksters get caught out all the time so keep your guard up.

Place fake spiders in the cornflakes box

Swap milk in the bottle with milk of magnesia

Last but not least an all time favorite is the winning lottery ticket. It is a prank created so your victim believes you have won the lottery.

What to do:

1) Record the lottery ticket drawing on your video recorder.

2) Buy a lottery ticket that has the same numbers that were the winning numbers on the previous drawing.

3) Set up the recorded drawing so that it is ready to appear when you sit down to watch it with your victim.

4) Place the ticket beside your victim and tell them you`re bursting to go to the toilet and ask them to keep an eye on your ticket till you get back. Of course his/her screams are going to have you coming back at lightning speed. What happens now is up to you – you can tell them the truth right away or prolong the fun. Have them give ideas on what you can spend the money on etc.

Remember that good clean fun is funnier and more times laughed at or laughed about than bad nasty cruel humor. Don`t be known as the evil trickster but as the funny prankster.

The only way that this April fool’s day is going to be a fun day for you is when it is at someone else’s expense

April Fool Jokes

A Few Very Funny Pub Jokes!

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 20:57:11 +0000

There’s something regarding bars with drunkards that appear to be the most common cause of jokes. Everyone has found out a funny story that begins “A chap walks into a bar” (and says Ouch!) and there is no doubt that drunks are usually extremely entertaining. So listed below are a couple of pub jokes that you may not have heard previously, however they really are all awfully witty, I assure you!

THE CRAZY BET WITH THE BARMAN
A chap strolls up to the barman and states, “Do you observe that glass over there in the corner? I will bet you £50 that I can pee inside it from here!” The bartender says yes, because the glass is miles way over at the other side of the pub. Subsequently the gentleman unzips and pulls it out, then pisses in a million diverse directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. In the meantime the bartender’s laughing so hard he can hardly breathe.

“Pay up,” says the bartender, and cheerfully takes the money.

Meanwhile the chap pays up, and walks over then grabs £200 from a third —————- playing pool.

The bartender calls him back and demands, “Why did that bloke give you the money?”

And the first man says, “‘Cause I bet him £200 that I could pee all over your bar and you’d only laugh about it!”

SEXY LADY IN A QUIET LOCAL BAR
A fairly delightful woman goes up to the bar in a quiet neighborhood pub.

She gestures alluringly in the direction of the bartender, who comes over immediately. After he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. After he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

“Are you the boss she asks, tenderly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me — I ought to speak to him.” She is running her fingers up beyond his beard then into his hair.

“I’m afraid that I can’t,” breathes the bartender, undoubtedly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a pair of fingers into his mouth and permitting him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

THE GUINNESS BOSS AT THE BEER CONFERENCE
After the Great British Beer Festival, in London, all the worldwide brewery presidents chose to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and pronounces, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s greatest beer, a Corona.” The barman dusts off a bottle from the shelf and offers it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the most excellent beer in the world, hand over me ‘The Queen Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The barman gives him one.

The gentleman from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He takes it.

The man from Guinness sits down and states, “Give me an orange juice.” The barman is a little stunned, nevertheless supplies him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents glare over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president answers, “Well, I guess if you guys are having weak drinks, then so will I.”

My name is Pat McLachlan, and I have a Home Brewing website and another for Just Jokes Online! So this article is perfect to promote both websites!

Funny pen:Electric Shock Shocking Pen Joke Gag Toy Gift for Adult

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 20:48:59 +0000

A fancy ballpoint pen design
It looks like a real pen
A great gift for your family or friends
Just for fun !
When you press down the tip at the top of the pen, you will get an electric shock
The shock is not painful
It will make your victim jump with surprise

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Really Funny Clean Jokes

Sun, 05 Sep 2010 20:51:59 +0000

Laughter is the best medicine! We get word of that all the time but the real question is: Is this true? Scientist attempted to investigate on the personal effects of laughter. The scientist have stated that laughter can aid patients recover from unwellness because by laughing we are able to lower our blood pressure, reduce stress hormone levels, and we are to recharges the body’s resistant system. Scientist stated that laughing releases a body’s natural painkilling substances to provide an overall feeling of well-being. By this, we are able to stimulate the blood flow and we can aid our heart.

People say that laughter has the identical benefits as exercising, but the only difference is that it won’t hurt you or you won’t go through any pain. Laughter also assists to control insulin levels and blood sugars, and while scientists don’t recommend that patients stop their diets or workout regimens, they do say that laughing definitely helps. Medicos have found out that laughter also has an effect on viruses, bacterium, cancer and heart disease. Most of the patients they did a research on, charged their immune systems just by watching funny videos and films.

Crying and laughing are one of the first things what a baby does. If the people surrounded by the baby are laughing, the baby will laugh as well. A lot of research has been done on babies and scientist discovered that laughter assisted the children’s ability to endure pain and was also effective in the healing process. This is a precious breakthrough for young cancer patients.

Researchers have determined that there are umpteen positive personal effects from laughter, but no known negative personal effects. Laughter really is the best medicine. The greatest part is that it is entirely free and all you have to do is to watch something funny and your body has positive and healthy response.

If you are having stress and you don’t laugh anymore, the power of the body to fight against disease because it suppresses the immune system. A upset body can’t battle infections and other disorders. Your body replies to emotions and feelings, so it’s good to laugh and release all the positive effects related to laughter. Essentially, the immune system is connected to the positives resulting from laughter. Laughing assists to battle diseases.

Stress levels can be cut through day-by-day exercising and eating healthy, and when you are laughing by doing all this it even gets better. If you are looking for more information or maybe a way to laugh, take a look at Laughter The Best Medicine. Also Download Joke Books on this website: Really Funny Clean Jokes

Tariq Ghazi is a devoted writer

Smile Today With Some Funny Clean Jokes

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 20:52:39 +0000

Jokes are something that we all can enjoy no matter how much of a mood we are in. They grant us the chance we demand to put a smile on our face and think about something other then how much we really could do without our boss or those bills that are stacking up at the house. Even if we are already in a good mood they manage to make us feel evne better. It’s time to share with you a few funny jokes so you have the ability to give them to others.

Snail Walk

A snail slid into a bar. Unfortunately the barman didn’t allow snails to come inside and kicked him out. A year passed and the exact same snail came back inside of the bar. He walked up to the barman and said, “Why did you do that?”

Definition Of An Idiot

A son walks up to his father and asks him what an idiot is. His father replies, “An idiot is someone who is attempting to explain ideas to someone in a way that is long and dull and does not make any sense to anyone. Do you understand?” His son looks back in confusion and says, “No!”

One Day To Live

A man gets a phone call from his doctor who tells him that he has great and horrible news to share with him.
“What is the great news,” asks the man.
“You have 24 hours to live!”
“Oh no! Then what is the bad news?”
“I forgot to call and tell you this yesterday.”

Learn how to make people Laugh and put a smile on their face with the best in Funny Short Jokes.