WITTY & HILARIOUS WORKER AND WORKPLACE HOMOUR, AMUSING & SATIRICAL FUNNY WORK JOKES

Criticised by his manager for having taken time off work to go have his hair cut the office clerk defended himself: “Well.. it does, also, at the company’s time growâ?¦”

An administrator didn’t like ‘yes’ men -not after he already said ‘no.’

What are night club bouncers?.. Men who throw disturbing partiesâ?¦

“The next place” said the tour guide, “is ‘no smoking’ -we can’t go there yetâ?¦” One of the tourists asked “Why?!.. None of us is smoking..?!” The tour guide replied, “I amâ?¦”

A legal secretary is a girl over 18 in Britain, and over 21 in the USA.

“Advocate!..” warned the judge, “Are you trying to show contempt for this court..!?” The well-connected lawyer assured: “No, your honour -I am trying to conceal itâ?¦”

The over-zealous shop assistant resented being needled by his fellow employees that on each and every occasion, on each and every issue, he licked the shop owner’s boots, each and every day -he pointed out that the owner only came in three days a weekâ?¦

“Anything you say,” said the policewoman to the drunk driver, “may be held against you!” His protests ignored, he sighed “Oh!.. You..!”

One of the two elderly ladies exchanging gossip on the telephone in a small and out of town village with a small telephone-exchange, said to the other, “I hope the operator isn’t listening in to our conversationâ?¦” A third voice was heard on the line and said “Madam, we don’t do things like that..!”

The new controller was overjoyed.. the managing director who had always ignored him and had been so critical of him was overheard referring to him as a perfect non-entityâ?¦

He was very much wanting, said the librarian to the new archivist, to compliment him on his work -and was looking forward to when he would do someâ?¦

The chairman of the board of directors put his proposals to vote.” All those who oppose,” he said, “say ‘I resign’â?¦”

The boss had many men under him -he was a funeral directorâ?¦

Some accountants are so mean, they want to have receipts even for any compliments that they pay…

Some employees grow on their employers -the way warts doâ?¦

“Tell me,” asked the prosecuting attorney “did you, or did you not sleep with this beauty contestant!?” The reply was: “Not a blink, Sir!”

“How many people work here?” asked the new factory foreman to the production manager, and he replied: “About half of themâ?¦”

People take their hats off to the boss -he runs a barber shopâ?¦

The child psychologist employed by a toy shop had to be called when a difficult child would not part with a toy his parent would not buy, and, it took the expert only to whisper something to the child for the child to put back the toy and run out of the toy shop. Later, the kid told his parent what it was that the child expert said to him: “He told me, if I didn’t put it back and get out, he’d wring my neck!…”

The female soldiers employed in the armed forced were issued black underwear during the world war air raids -the army chiefs had been instructed to ensure all places of entertainment to be darkenedâ?¦

“How come,” the wages clerk criticised the labourer, “that when you were under-paid you came and let me know, and I have had to come to you, this time that you have been overpaid in error..?!” Replied the worker: “I didn’t want to embarrass you again, by telling you that also this time, yet again, you made a mistake…”

Asked if it was a sin for a young man to sleep with a young woman, a cleric answered: “But, that’s just what they don’t do -they don’t sleep, do theyâ?¦?”

At the doctor’s the nurse asked the patient with dream complaints if he saw a psychiatrist?” “No,” said the patient, “only dogs and cats.”

The methods of a company’s boss in seeking increased production that would enable expansion were so popular with his employees that they all looked forward to the day that those working for him would come to include an undertaker and grave diggers.

The new executive never ever said an unkind word against any member of his staff -he always talked only about himselfâ?¦

“What!?..” responded the receptionist who had asked for time off work to get married, when the boss remarked “You have only just had your summer holidays -why didn’t you get married then..?” She expressed her surprised at the suggestion: “And ruin my holidays?!..”

“Shorthand..?” asked the interviewer at the employment agency to the applicant secretary. She replied: “Yes, but not as fast as longhand.”

Taxpayers are employees, said someone, who do not have to pass civil or public service examinations to work for the governmentâ?¦

A sales manager was rather surprised that the brownies wanting to sell him cookies were not attempting any sales talk. “Why do you want to sell me these nice cookies, then..?” he asked them, and one of the girls replied, “Because you are so handsomeâ?¦” The sales manager was heard, as he walked away munching the cookies he had bought, saying to himself “Yes.. that’s what sells -truth and honesty.”

She was the best window dresser in the neighbourhood -she never pulled down the shades!

“These apartments are so small..!” remarked a would-be tenant. The estate agent commented “Oh, that’s to leave no room for complaints.”

The psychoanalyst asked what the patient dreamed the night before and, upon being told “Nothing”, snapped: “Sir, how am I supposed to help you, if you don’t do your homework..?!”

Statesmenâ??s diplomatic communiques, were likened, in the anecdotes of the witty teacher and thinker the late Orhan Seyfi Ari, to a radio broadcaster of a boxing match who excitedly told the audiences â??A left hook by Abdi!.. A right hook by Bandinelli!..â? and announced the winner as.. Abdinelliâ?¦

“This, of course, is only a suggestion,” said the chairman of the board to the directors “It’s for to you to bear in mind whose suggestion it is”

An executive can find his wife when he takes his secretary to lunchâ?¦

When late home the worker told his wife on the entry-phone that he had been discussing a labour dispute which might lead to strike, was told “Go stay there then to consider this lock out!”

Reading in the newspaper that a confectioner was pelted at his wedding with small sweets, a brick layer cancelled his.

Some bosses are known to have fired their secretaries for mistakes they would not makeâ?¦

Worthy politicians, traditionally, are employed in wordy causesâ?¦

MAN’S MIND WORKS WONDERFULLY WITTILY or AMAZINGLY WITLESSLY ~MANY JOKES HERE ARE TRUE

On a Queen’s birthday a dinner was given in honour of her and soldiers known as ‘beef-eaters’ catered – they served.. lamb.

When it gained independence a new country announced that from then on cars should not be driven on the left side of the road, but on the right -except for trucks for a transition period of three months…

When a government tested a railway firm’s performance a train did not stop at any stations -when criticised by the press it announced that it was because it had to arrive at its destination on time…

A presenter of a sport programs, in the days that colour television was new, commented on a pool game: ‘… for those of you not watching on a colour set, the yellow ball is the one behind the red…’

In a country when teachers and people complained of educational and teaching standards was appointed to improve them.. a general.

A regional state appointed a minister to organise governmental dietary advice –he came to be talked about as being a fat minister.

A senior official, when criticised that it was discovered, from the impressions left on the sheet under it, that written evidence had been tampered with, announced that plastic sheets would be inserted between them in the future to ensure not to leave any impressions…

‘Robin Hood did not rob the poor -they had nothing to rob’

A bookshop sign, at a time of industrial strikes, advertised a famous pop-singers book of her pictures, displaying this sign: ‘Buy her book -she supports both the employers and the employees’…

A government officially announced that, because the employers preferred academic certificates to skills certificates, skills certificates should be issued in identical form on identical paper…

‘In the United States one asks for the check and pays by bill -in the United Kingdom, one asks for the bill and pays by check’

One of the poems of the teacher and thinker the late Orhan Seyfi Ari contains these verses on man’s behaviour: “’I was an ape’ you say, or amphibian… And now, are you not, now, man.!?”

‘Some ‘intellectuals’ wanting to test a writer-thinker hailed also for his wit, asked “Can you think of a word that sounds like ’sugar’ but is shorter?..” He said: “Sure…” They asked: “What is it, then..?”‘

Of a country often joked about its population not being very bright a national said to another’s, “If you can think of how many apples I have in my bag, I’ll give you.. both of them!” The other’s thought and thought and thought, and said: “Six..?”

An internet browser stumbled upon and looked for knowledge on a Western owned Eastern educational website priding itself as ilmkidunya  (ilm=knowledge, dunya=world) and found on it.. his own article.. plagiarised!

“I’m.. a.. African” when hear some people, they remark “A-aw.. ‘e don’t speak good English.”

A member of a government advised this as an example of how the industry might lessen its financial problems at economically difficult times: by delaying for few days paying their bills -to each other…

“Houses we have built for you, at cost–price, for only this much, each,” said a government in response to complaints over the rising house-prices, but people who sought to purchase them were asked to pay about four times that –an official explained: “That was the price of the house itself –the rest is for the land that it sits on”…

When a television station showed a documentary millions of television audiences watched with interest adding to their knowledge how young workers in the fields placed ladders against the trees and climbed them and picked off them spaghetti -it was April fool’s day.

‘Someone was asked what the new monarch would do when he came to the throne, and replied: “He will sit down…”

An art gallery exhibited not a painting wrapped in the dirty cloth used to protect the floor from paint splashes but.. the wrapping.

BIRTHDAY JOKES & CHILDREN HUMOR –HILARIOUSLY FUNNY CHILD SATIRE, BABY, TODDLERS HUMOUR

It’s quite amazing how humorous a child can be, what satirical even comical situation can arise with kids, in these hilariously funny birthday and children, baby and toddler jokes…

When the little girl returned from her friend’s birthday party, her mother asked if she had thanked the hostess of the party before leaving. “No.” said the little girl, “The person before me did, and my friend’s mother said ‘Don’t mention it’ -so, I didn’t…”

“So, what are we then -boy or girl?” asked one of the baby twins, and “I know how to find out,” said the other and disappeared under the sheets, then reappeared, and declared “I am a boy, and you are a girl.” “O-oh, how clever you are!” exclaimed the girl baby, “How could you tell!?” and boy baby proudly explained, “Oh, it was easy to tell -I am wearing blue booties, and you are wearing pink ones…”

An elderly man asked a young boy if he could see him across the road. The boy crossed the road, stood on the pavement, turned to him and shouted: “Yes.. I can…”

The little girl tossed some pieces of bread to a bird at the zoo, and when the bird looked to her for more, she asked her mother what bird it was. Told that it was a stork, the little girl was so excited: “O-oh.. it must have recognised me!..”

The little boy, came in running and excitedly announced that he had sold the cat for £10,000. “O-o-h…” asked his father, “They paid by cheque?” “No..” replied the boy, ” I got two £5,000 kittens for it…”

“Did you put an ad. in the local paper, about your missing dog..?” asked a boy’s friend. “Don’t be silly..” he said, “My dog can’t read…”

The little girl, before going to bed, said her prayers: “… God, please make bad people good.” She then added: “And good people nice…”

“Yup!” boasted the young boy to her friends: “I jumped on a young girl the other day, lay her down on the ground, pulled up her skirt, tore her stockings off, grabbed hold of her panties.. and tore the elastic out for my catapult!”

“Uncle won’t be arriving today,” announced mum, after she was telephoned the news, “He’s missed the train today and will start at the same time, tomorrow”. “Oh, dear!” remarked the little girl, “He’s going to miss it again then, isn’t he, if he starts at the same time…!?”

An anecdote, about his in childhood rather plump eldest son, of teacher and thinker the late Orhan Seyfi Ari: “Other children grow vertically, mine horizontally!”

“How did you get that black eye!?” exclaimed the little boy’s mother. “You told me good boys don’t fight,” he said, “but one fought back!..”

“You ask so many questions -I can’t know the answers to all of them” exclaimed, rather tired, a parent, “Do you know what might have happened if I had asked my parents as many questions as you do!?” The child thought, then replied “You might’ve known the answers..?”

“Thank you, auntie,” said the little girl as she opened her birthday present, “I always wanted a nice pin cushion.. but not very much…”

FUNNY TEACHER AND EDUCATION JOKES & CLEAN CLASSROOM, STUDENT, SCHOOL TEACHING HUMOR.

(Based on author’s site www.geocities.com/tchjks)

Clean profession jokes are few, and so are education humour and teacher jokes; the amusing, hilarious classroom humor and school jokes collection here are such clean student humour and teaching jokes.

“The opposite of minimum?” asked the teacher. Answered the primary school girl, “mini dad.”

“What did the king do when he came to the throne?” asked the school teacher; many a little hand went up in the classroom; one of the pupils answered: “He sat down.”

A little school boy told his mother that his class teacher praised him for giving a better answer to the question “How many legs does a chicken have?” than all of the other children in the class. “What was your answer?” asked his mother, and the school boy repeated it: “Three!” -his was the nearest answer to the teacher’s questions.

“How many children in the family?” the teacher asked a school child; the answer was: “Me and my two sisters, Miss., and a baby who is turning out to be a boy.”

A music teacher jot down in his notebook this about one his pupils: “B-flat when his ear twisted.”

The school boys and girls were growing up, so their classroom teacher explained ‘the birds and the bees’ -”Oh,” said one of the pupils, “Like humans, then…”

When the school child began “I is…” it wasn’t funny! It didn’t amuse the teacher! “How many times must I teach it – ‘I am’ it is, ‘I.. am..’-not ‘I is’!.. Now use the word ‘I’ in a sentence, and say it so!” The little pupil, obeying the teacher’s instruction, looked at her alphabet and said: “‘I’.. am.. the letter after ‘H’!”

“O-oh!” cheered a little school girl, having got back her first marked homework from the class teacher, and bragged to her school friends “My homework’s got me a kiss from my teacher -he put a big red ‘X’ on it!”

When there was a suspicious pool of water on the floor of the classroom, and the next day also, and the day after, the teachers decided that it must stop. “Let’s all shut our eyes,” the class teacher instructed, “and let child responsible reveal himself and write it on the blackboard!” A child was heard tiptoeing to the blackboard, writing something, and then back. The teacher said “Let’s open our eyes, now, children, and read it.” There was now one more pool of water on the floor of the classroom -the writing on the board read: “I have relieved myself.”

“Where was the Declaration of Independence signed..?” asked the teacher. “Please, Miss. …” went up a child’s hand, “It was signed at the bottom.”

The boy went to school early for his first sex education class, to sit in the front row. When the boy returned from school, his parents asked how it was. “Ha!” said the schoolboy, “It was all theory!”

A teacher of religious education made this humorous entry in his notebook about one of the students: “This one’s going to hell!”

One of the anecdotes of teacher the late Orhan Seyfi Ari is about this: Having had occasion to give a teenage school kid a leaflet entitled ‘Smoking Kills Early’, a few days later he was given by the pupil a newspaper clipping reporting the death of an elderly celebrity which mentioned that he was a smoker.

“Give me a noun” said the teacher. “Door” answered a student. She asked another: “Give me another noun…” The other replied: “Another door.”

Having rapped the pupils for some graffiti on the blackboard, the school teacher proceeded to teach about Shakespeare and then, in the course of testing the class, asked one of the pupils: “Who wrote ‘Romeo and Juliet’..?” The pupil, miles away, responded, “It wasn’t me, Miss., I didn’t, honest!..”

(Told of that funny reply, his father saw the humour of it: “Ho-ho-ho, and all the time, he probably had!”)

“Have you brothers or sisters likely to attend this school?” asked one of the new students the head teacher; told “No,” he sighed, “Thank Goodness!”

An teacher, explaining the numbers, asked: “Give me number,” was given ‘45′ and he wrote it down as 54, “another,” said the teacher and wrote that too in reverse as 21, and “another…”; ‘11′ shouted a student, “now, mess with that, then, teach.!..”

The religious education teacher told the young pupils about Heaven, and asked who wanted to go there; “I’d like to, Miss.,” said one of the pupils, “but mum said I must come straight home after school…”

Schoolchildren in their cub scout uniforms, seen arguing with an elderly lady explained: they were trying, true to their scouts master’s teaching, to help her across the street, but she didn’t want to cross it!

The author has a website at: http://www.geocities.com/eoa_uk

Jokes
jokesnhumour.com : Want to smile!!! Come on… Share some good jokes and always keep smiling.

Jokes can be therapeutic, stress relievers, or just a way to relax. Good jokes can make a long, hard day seem easier or can temporarily make one forget about the troubles and problems of the day. To fight the daily onslaught of stress in your life, I suggest that you use your sense of humor. Nothing relaxes and refreshes the body like a good hearty laugh. It makes you feel good. There are no bad side effects and it’s non-fattening. The ability to take your job seriously and yourself lightly will go a long way in the battle against stress. Read randomly selected jokes and keep yourself fresh !

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You can also check one of my jokes-
“Painter God” Joke

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked…”doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?” Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.” This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?” “Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”

I got the ideas of Thousands of jokes from http://www.jokesnhumour.com

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A very inspiring book can create a sense of lightness and motivation of a person. Studies show that 40% of people who have heart disease are less likely to be inclined to laugh. As funny as it appears in, humour and jokes is the cheapest and easiest way to relieve stress. Joking with friends, watching funny movies or TV shows and reading funny cartoons are cheap and fun solutions to stress. Stress may be part of daily life, but this is not necessarily synonymous with grace and let it take over. Accentuating the positive is one way to cope. After all, stress is not what happens is how we react to it.

Recent studies at the University of Baltimore have shown that people who have humour and jokes are less likely to have heart disease. In addition, people with heart disease are 40% less likely to humour and jokes compared to the fate of these people without heart problems. If this is true, the very elixir which could solve a serious health condition related to heart is the prime condition of the act of laughing at jokes really funny. This is particularly important for those who do not have time to exercise or do physical activities. Laughing also prevents hypertension because it reduces the likelihood of stress. It relaxes muscles and reduces the supply of dopamine in the blood.

Knowing all this, how can you practice the habit of humour and jokes to keep from heart attack? The maintenance of a light-hearted provision is essential in preventing heart attacks. Whenever the stress began keeping in the think of these situations can reduce your stress and anxiety. humour and jokes not only produce natural laughter, but also help maintain good mental health. Therefore in every day hard working life humour and jokes is not only necessary to make laughter in your life, it also keeps you fit in the life.